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Post by Deleted on Feb 17, 2008 12:14:23 GMT -5
What did the baker say to the butcher? "Honey, I've got the buns if you've got the sausage"!!!!\ What did Larry Craig say while sitting in the congressional bathroom? "Anybody want some lip service? What did Tom Haggard say to Larry Craig? I'm not gay, but my boyfriend is. What do they call the congressional page locker room? A chicken coop
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Post by Deleted on Feb 19, 2008 9:09:52 GMT -5
What do gay guys, in West Hollywood, call a black California Highway Patrolman? A CHOCOLATE CHIP!!! Oh, one more thing. The other day, I found a long lost tee shirt in my closet. I decided to wear it all day today. On the front, it says "NOBODY KNOWS I'M A LESBIAN"
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Post by bluepride on Feb 28, 2008 15:02:40 GMT -5
A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.
A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there?" he yells. "You're scaring my customers!" "I'm just sitting here on the toilet," slurs the drunk, "and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my nuts ."
The bartender opens the door, looks in, and says, "You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"
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Post by bluepride on Feb 29, 2008 15:45:52 GMT -5
Two women, who had been friends for years, decide to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a head stone or something.
The first woman had nothing to dry herself with. She thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, waswearing a rather expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. So she dried herself with the ribbon.
The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girl's night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."
"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her bum that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU!"
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Post by bluepride on Mar 12, 2008 7:55:16 GMT -5
A man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly woman. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner woman, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Make love to me or climb the ladder to success," she said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on." On the next cloud was an even more attractive lady who, this time, was quite attractive. "Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she uttered. As he turned her down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went. On the next cloud was an absolute beauty. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Make love to me now or climb the ladder to success," she flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head. "Who are you?" the man asked. "Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!"
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Post by Deleted on Mar 12, 2008 15:56:30 GMT -5
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake. The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and i'm gonna get boobs, too."
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Post by bluepride on Mar 12, 2008 18:53:15 GMT -5
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 13, 2008 4:18:33 GMT -5
Tommy, have a half glass of milk now or climb the ladder to......... *watches Tommy zip up the ladder.....*
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Post by bluepride on Mar 14, 2008 9:33:45 GMT -5
Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair, and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors.
Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic the other residents tolerated her and some of them actually joined in.
One day Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and Kooky Clarence stepped out with his arm outstretched. 'STOP!' he shouted in a firm voice. 'Have you got a license for that thing?' Ethel fished around in her handbag and pulled out a Kit Kat wrapper and held it up to him. 'OK' he said, and away Ethel sped down the hall.
As she took the corner near the TV lounge on one wheel, weird Harold popped out in front of her and shouted 'STOP! Have you got proof of insurance?' Ethel dug into her handbag, pulled out a drink coaster and held it up to him. Harold nodded and said 'On your way, Ma'am.'
As Ethel neared the final corridor, Crazy Craig stepped out in front of her, Butt- Naked, and holding his 'You-Know- What' in his hand. 'Oh, good grief,' yelled Ethel, 'Not that Damn Breathalyzer Test again!!!'
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Post by bluepride on Mar 22, 2008 8:38:56 GMT -5
Once there were twin brothers by the name of Jones. John Jones was married, and Joe Jones was single. The single brother Joe was the proud owner of a dilapidated row boat. It happened that John Jone's wife died the same day that Joe's rowboat filled with water and sank.
A few days later, a kindly old lady met Joe and mistaken him for John said; "Oh Mr. Jones, I am sorry to hear of your great loss, you must feel terrible".
Joe smiled and said, "Well I am not a bit sorry, she was rather old from the start. Her bottom was all chewed up and she smelled of dead fish. Even the first time I got into her, she made water faster than anything I ever saw. She had a bad crack and a pretty big hole in her front, and that hole got bigger every time I used her. It got so I could barely handle her, but if anyone else used her she leaked like anything. The thing that finished her was four guys from the other side of town. They came down looking for a good time and asked if I could lend her to them. I warned them she wasn't so hot, but they could take a crack at her if they liked. Well, the result was the crazy fools tried to get inside her all at once and it was too much for her. She cracked right up the middle". Before he could finish the old lady fainted!
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Post by bluepride on Mar 28, 2008 8:28:54 GMT -5
Friendship Between Women: A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.
now ..
Friendship Between Men: A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.
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Post by bluepride on Apr 7, 2008 12:29:24 GMT -5
Straight non-cop humor.....but here it is... Dude walks into a grocery store. While he was there, an attractive woman waved to him and said hello. "Do I know you?" he asked. "I think you're the father of one of my kids," she replied. Now his mind traveled back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and he said,"My God, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all of my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery?" She looked into his eyes and calmly said, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
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Post by flblue09 on Apr 9, 2008 22:39:22 GMT -5
" Straight non-cop humor.....but here it is...
Dude walks into a grocery store. While he was there, an attractive woman waved to him and said hello. "Do I know you?" he asked. "I think you're the father of one of my kids," she replied. ... "
This is so true of Florida's "Trailer Parks" it's beyond a good laugh !
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Post by Deleted on Apr 10, 2008 8:32:27 GMT -5
While running around in her Florida trailer park and wearing no shoes, Peggy Sue proudly told her neighbor "I'm the best kisser in the county". When he asked her how she knew this, Prggy Sue said "My daddy told me so".
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Post by hcsodale on Apr 10, 2008 19:06:12 GMT -5
Careful there Carroll, many of my best customers come out of trailer parks, both the victims and the suspects!
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