Non-Cop Humor

[hoosiercop]

Just wanted to post this cause of our fine Alabama contingency!

20 signs that you are from Alabama

1. You can properly pronounce Arab, Cahaba, Opelika, Sylacauga, Oneonta,and Eufaula.

2. You think people who complain about the heat in their states are sissies.

3. A tornado warning siren is your signal to go out in the yard and
look for a funnel.

4. You know that the true value of a parking space is not determined by the distance to the door, but by the availability of shade.

5. Stores don't have bags or shopping carts, they have sacks and
buggies.

6. You've seen people wear bib overalls at funerals.

7. You think everyone from a bigger city has an accent.

8. You measure distance in minutes. (It's about 5 minutes down the road)

9. You go to the lake because you think it is like going to the ocean.

10. You listen to the weather forecast before picking out an outfit.

11. You know cowpies are not made of beef.

12. Someone you know has used a football schedule to plan their
wedding date.

13. You have known someone who has a belt buckle bigger than your fist. lol

14. You aren't surprised to find movie rental, ammunition, beer, and bait all in the same store.

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.

16. You know everything goes better with Ranch Dressing.

17. You learned how to shoot a gun before you learned how to multiply.

18. You actually get these jokes and are "fixin' " to send them to
your friends.

19. You have used your heater and air-conditioner in the same day!

Finally:

You are 100% Alabamian if you have ever had this conversation:
20. "You wanna coke?" "Yeah." "What kind?" "Dr Pepper

[apdsgt]

You mean the whole world ain't that way? Seriously....everything on that list is true. I took my 5 year old son to the firing range last month. He's fixin to start hunting next year. I like to have froze at work the other night (it was warm enough to go to the river at the start of the shift) because I didn't watch Dan the weatherman tell us it was gonna get cold at dark. Though I admit that I watch the weatherman for entertainment. During a tornado outbreak he was pointing to an area on the map saying, "Pray for these people over here. They are all gonna die."

[bluepride]

Jon needs to dig himself out of all the snow where he lives.....!
He has cabin fever!!!

[1dbigjim563]

He's lucky if that's all he has!

[blu06]

15. A Mercedes Benz isn't a status symbol. A Chevy Silverado Extended Bed Crew Cab is.

I like that one.

[bluepride]

GEORGE CARLIN'S NEW RULES FOR 2007


Stop giving me that pop-up ad for Classmates.com! There's a reason you don't talk to people for 25 years. Because you don't particularly like them!

Don't eat anything that's served to you out a window unless you're a seagull.

Stop saying that teenage boys who have sex with their hot, blonde teachers are permanently damaged. I have a better description for these kids: lucky bastards.

If you need to shave and you still collect baseball cards, you're a
dope. If you're a kid, the cards are keepsakes of your idols. If
you're a grown man, they're pictures of men. (Yeah..and your point is??!!)

Ladies, leave your eyebrows alone. Here's how much men care about your eyebrows: do you have two of them? Okay, we're done. (Applies to gay guys too! Guys who pluck their eyebrows are creepy!)

There's no such thing as flavored water. Sorry, but flavored water is called a soft drink. You want flavored water? Pour some Jack Daniels over ice and let it melt. That's your flavored water.

The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-low fat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one sweet-n'-Low, and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card,
entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount,
deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy.

Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins.
ESPN recently televised the U.S. Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting.

I don't need a bigger mega M&Ms. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.

If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old
television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is that the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

No more gift registries. You know, it used to be just for weddings.
Now it's for babies, new homes and graduations from rehab. Picking out the stuff you want and having other people buy it for you isn't gift giving, it's the white people version of looting.

When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't really care in the first place.

If you ever hope to be a credible adult and want a job that pays
better than minimum wage, then for God's sake don't pierce or tattoo every available piece of flesh. If so, then plan your future around saying" Do you want fries with that?"

[bluepride]

Two blondes were playing a round of golf one day, when at the 7th hole, one of the woman tees off & accidentally hits a man on the fairway with her golfball.

The man falls to his knees in pain, clasping both hands over his crotch.

The blondes run over immediately to see if he's O.K. The man says he's fine, but the women demand on helping him.

So they unzip his pants & begin to massage the man's crotch.

After a few minutes, one girl asks if it feels better.

The man replies, "Yes that really felt good, but my hand still hurts like hell!"

[burner]

From a book called Disorder in the American Courts are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
____________ _________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
___________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh....
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Huh?
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

[hcsodale]

I don't make them up, I just repeat them.....

A couple were paying their respects to a loved one at the cemetery and saw some nearby gravediggers making an exceptionally deep grave.
Curious, they asked why this grave appeared to be well beyond the normal depth.
The grave diggers replied, this grave is for an attorney, therefore the grave has to be 12 feet deep instead of the normal 6 feet.
When the couple inquired as to why, the grave digger stated that "down deep, Attorneys are really nice people."

[hoosiercop]

Sorry to keep picking on our Southen guys.....

You know I only poke fun cause I love ya.....

[bluepride]

Hmmm......Cop Humor or Non-Cop Humor.......I'll just put in Non-Cop Humor because the cop is only incidental to the story....


A lawyer parallel-parks his brand new BMW on the road and opens the door to get out when some jackass drives by and rips the door right off. A cop happens to see this, so he pulls up behind the lawyer. As the cop approaches, the lawyer launches into a tirade about how that idiot ruined his brand new $60,000.00 car. Just look at the damage, it'll cost a fortune to fix. And it'll never be as good as new. The beautiful car is just ruined. He just goes on and on. Finally, the cop interrupts and says "You damn lawyers are so materialistic. You're so upset about your car that you haven't even noticed that your left arm was torn off with the door!" The lawyer looks at the bleeding stump where his arm used to be and exclaims: "My Rolex!"

[hoosiercop]

I like that one Tommy. But I dont know, if I was sporting a Rolex, I'd be kinda pissed that I just lost it too! hahaha

[1dbigjim563]

Okay, I like this one, mainly because it reminds of the jokes my old man used to tell. He stole most of his material form Henny Youngman who I'm sure the children on this board have never heard of. Any way here's a story about Irving, the dog.

Morty visits the veterinarian and says, "My dog has a problem."
The doctor replies, "So tell me about the dog's problem."
"First you should know that he's a Jewish dog. His name is Irving and he can talk," says Morty.
"He can talk?" the doubtful doctor asks.
"Watch this!" Morty points to the dog and commands: " Irving, Fetch!"
Irving, the dog, begins to walk toward the door, then turns around and demands, "So why are you talking to me like that? You order me around like I'm nothing. And you only call me when you want something.
"And then you make me sleep on the floor, with my arthritis. You give me this fahkahkta food with all the salt and fat, and you tell me it's a special diet. It tastes like dreck! YOU should eat it yourself! And do you ever take me for a decent walk? NO, it's out of the house, a short pish, and right back home. Maybe if I could stretch out a little, the sciatica wouldn't kill me so much! I should roll over and play dead for real for all that you care!"
The Doctor is amazed. "This is remarkable! What could be the problem?"
Morty says, "Obviously, he has a hearing problem! I said 'Fetch,' not 'Kvetch.'

[Deleted]

Hey Bigjim, because I don't think bluepride has any shortage of the goyum, I think you need to explain that Kvetch(i think it's Yddish) means to complain.
I loved Henny Youngman. He was a fine example of American Jewish Theatre at its best. If you ever get a chance, do down to the 2nd avenue Deli in New York. It's a good sized place and they have rooms named after several of the early Jewish entertainers like Molly Picon, Burns and Allen, George Jessel and others. I know I must sound like a schwartza alta cockah (you must tell me if I spelled that right) it's German with a little yiddishakep spice!! Anyway, it was good to hear the name Henny Youngman. It brings a smile to my face.

[hoosiercop]

Thanks Carroll, I had no idea what that word meant.

And yes, they very young kids like myself have no idea who what's his name is.