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Post by 1dbigjim563 on Mar 7, 2007 13:38:15 GMT -5
Yes truly awful, groan!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Mar 7, 2007 16:12:38 GMT -5
Several years ago in New York, there was a very bad traffic accident with a car and a motorcyle which left several injured people. The guy on the motorcycle had his arm ripped from his body. When the police arrived, one of the officers walked over to the arm, picked it up and said, "Timex, it takes a licking and keeps on ticking."
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Post by admin on Mar 7, 2007 17:59:15 GMT -5
Carroll and Jon..... PLEASE.....don't give up your day jobs!
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Post by 1dbigjim563 on Mar 8, 2007 18:27:50 GMT -5
Yeah, those last two would have made even Henny Youngman blush, and that was hard to do.
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 9, 2007 7:37:27 GMT -5
Carroll, good thing it was a Timex. If it had been a Rolex, the officer probably would have said nothing and kept it.
And Pappa Admin, dont be a hater!!!!!!!! I didn't make up that joke, I just posted it. You probably would complain at how the lottery was giving you the grand prize jackpot too huh? hehehe
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 9, 2007 7:38:45 GMT -5
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 9, 2007 7:41:19 GMT -5
EVER GO FISHIN'?
A man was speeding down a Alabama highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go a fishin'?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch 'em all?"
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 10, 2007 14:13:10 GMT -5
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 10, 2007 14:15:26 GMT -5
THE SPEED LIMIT...
Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, "This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!" So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies, two in the front seat and three in the back, wide eyed and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, "Officer, I don't understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?" "Ma'am," the officer replies, "You weren't speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers." "Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly twenty-two miles an hour!" the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that "22" was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. "But before I let you go, Ma'am, I have to ask... Is everyone in this car OK? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven't muttered a single peep this whole time," the officer asks. "Oh, they'll be all right in a minute officer. We just got off Route 142."
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 12, 2007 8:24:01 GMT -5
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 12, 2007 8:28:34 GMT -5
DO YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS?...
The Commander called down to Motor Maintenance.
A sleepy voice answered, "Hullo."
The Commander said, "How many vehicles in the motor pool?"
The sleepy voice said, "Hold on.
After a few minutes, he came back on and said, "There's 7 Fords, 3 Chevy's, and 2 Front-line pool cars for the fat-ass exempts."
The Commander was upset by this and said, "Do you know who this is?"
Sleepy voice said, "No."
The Commander said, "This is The Commander!"
Dead silence for about 5 seconds.
Then the sleepy voice asked, "Do you know who this is?"
The Commander says, "No."
The sleepy voice replies, "Goodbye, Fat-ass!!"
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Post by burner on Mar 15, 2007 0:31:26 GMT -5
Funny thread, Hoosier. Let me contribute to the mirth...supposedly a "true" story (but who knows?) received from a friend of mine.
HOW TO SUMMON THE POLICE George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and he said," no". Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available. George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just shot them all" Then he hung up. Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips residence and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
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Post by burner on Mar 15, 2007 0:43:55 GMT -5
Two men and a woman were applying to be FBI agents and had undergone extensive testing for the job. For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!"
The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife." The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. "This gun is loaded with blanks" she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."
MORAL: Women LEOs are motivated. Don't mess with them.
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Post by burner on Mar 15, 2007 0:51:00 GMT -5
The following 15 Police Comments were taken from actual police car videos around the country:
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile."
#14 "You take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? Okay, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey DOO."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend of yours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And.................... THE BEST ONE !!!!!!!
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? ... You're right, we don't. .... Sign here.
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Post by hoosiercop on Mar 16, 2007 11:55:29 GMT -5
If I responded to that one where the guy said he shot everyone, I'd arrest the complainant for false reporting. I hate when people lie to get faster response.
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